I have a husband, Joe. He is nice. He likes cereal. A lot.
You may think that two Serious Relationships would be enough for any sane person. Most people are lucky to be able to maintain one. Well, I am extremely blessed and gifted and most likely not entirely sane. And, I have a third (and final) Serious Relationship to tell you about.
I play roller derby. I will tell you about that in the near future. What you need to know now is that in roller derby there is a Serious Relationship status called a derby wife. In a nutshell, a derby wife is the skater you are closest to and who has your back in any situation. If your eyes are rolling right now, it's all right. Mine rolled, too.
When I first started playing a little over a year ago, I thought the derby wife thing was very silly. It can be. It can also be a lot of fun and very rewarding.
As I have just mentioned above, I was not a big fan of the derby wife system when I first learned of it. My mind was changed for me on two trips to the St. Louis area.
The first derby bout our league played in was in St. Charles, Missouri. I can't remember now if I had even started skating or if I was still waiting for my gear to arrive. Either way, I wanted to see a bout. Yeah, I signed up for roller derby without actually ever seeing a real live bout. I had seen Whip It, so shuddup! I especially wanted to see our skaters bout. I didn't know too many of the girls, so I decided to ride in the RV with a group of them. I figured close quarters would force me to befriend one or two. That isn't exactly what happened on the RV. That, however, is a whole other story.
We got to our hotel and promptly found out that it was extremely overbooked. The strongest theory for what happened was that a disgruntled recently let go employee deleted the booking for the league. I had booked through the glorious internet and had a room with two double beds. Most of the girls were quickly doubling up and I offered to share my room with Mc-Kill-Z. Leslie, my infamous Hetero-Lifemate, was joining me, but I knew she'd be cool with an extra roomie. Since Leslie was driving in from the Hill, we had transportation and promptly headed to T.G.I. Friday's. Mmm...
We had a blast eating mass quantities of greasy food and then headed to the event center for Live All-girl Roller Derby Action!
At the bout, Mc-Kill-Z, Leslie, and I sat and rooted together. Our girls played well for their first bout, but were defeated. However, no one was injured, hurt, or dead. To me, that is a successful bout. In addition, I think everyone who played in that bout learned more in 60 minutes than they could have learned in 6 months of skating. A small price to pay for such a large quantity of knowledge.
After the bout, we went to the requisite After-party. While being serenaded by the impeccable karaoke stylings of Pixie Whiplash and Kiote among others, I experienced the dancing skills of my future derby wife for the first time.
The next day we played Set on the RV for most of the ride home. Set is a fun game that is supposed to work your brains. Apparently, MENSA approves of its challenges.
That road trip laid the foundation for the derby wooing I was about to receive.
A few weeks later, ARRG was having a bout. ARRG stands for the Arch Rival RollerGirls. Our head coach, Pro-Agonist, was a skater for their league before she helped our league get started. I wanted to see real roller derby! At least, roller derby with skaters that had been playing for more than a few months. A big bonus to having a real bout to see was that is was conveniently located about 15 minutes from Leslie's apartment.
St. Louis is about 3 hours of very boring driving from where I live. Mc-Kill-Z got along with Leslie at the first bout, so I invited her along. She accepted. Yay!
When we got to Leslie's apartment, we had some time before we had to leave for the bout. Leslie's eyes lit up when we agreed to watch New Moon. I should have known I was in trouble at this point. We didn't really watch the movie as much as make comments on who was the better choice for Bella, Edward or Jacob. I apologize that I even know any of this information. Mc-Kill-Z and I were unable to make Leslie see that Jacob was obviously the better and more attractive of the two young men vying for Bella's love. After you finish retching, wipe your mouth and rest assured that this will be the end of Twilight-talk for a while.
At the bout, Mc-Kill-Z and I were riveted on the action and pretty much neglected Leslie. She had PBR so she was not too cranky. After purchasing Smashinistas T-shirts, we all headed back to the apartment for after-derby drinks. Mmm...drinks...
The wine flowed. A whole bottle of it. I know. Derby girls are supposed to be hard-core. You can pretend I said the Jack Daniels or the Wild Turkey flowed if it makes you feel better. Truthfully, that is more often the case when we don't have a three hour drive to make the next day. But, I digress.
It was at this time that Mc-Kill-Z started to explain the derby wife status to Leslie. She went on to inform her that she knew I didn't really care for the rigamarole of the practice but she wouldn't let that deter her. She was wooing me.
After that weekend, we were derby wives.
It is a bit sickening. In the good way.
We try to protect each other on the court and off. Sometimes I forget about the whole "protect your wife" thing and knock her down. It isn't spousal abuse; it's roller derby. Plus, it's funny when she cusses.
We entertain each other immensely. She is especially entertaining when she is wearing her "Pissypants."
I believe you will remember that she has awesome dance skills from the photo above.
I bring her donuts and silly things I make. She is a donut junky.
If you find the right one, having a derby wife is tons of fun.
Side Note: Derby marriage is not necessarily monogamous. Some skaters have small or large harems of wives. Mc-Kill-Z and I have pledged monogamy. However, we share a mistress. It just can't be any kind of normal with me.
Perhaps there will be a Serious Relationships - Part VIII.
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