Define "Dollop"

Right this minute, I have a meatloaf in the oven.  It was mixed up according to directions from Grandma Lois.

Grandma Lois

She is an amazing meatloaf chef.  In fact, it may be my favorite meal she makes.  Forget her Thanksgiving turkey or the epic mushroom feast she lays on us in the spring.  Her meatloaf is legendary.  And, she told me how to make it the last time I had it at her house.  I have since made it a couple of times.  It is nowhere near her version.  That is because she really has no idea how she makes it.  No she is neither senile nor in the grips of Alzheimer's.  She cooks in the "dollop" method.

What in the name of Mel Brooks is a dollop you ask?

Well, that depends on the recipe...

I called her once to verify and clarify how to make apple salad dressing and to get the proper ingredients and amounts. It went something like this.

Karen:  "Hey, Grandma!  I am trying to make apple salad.  What the heck goes in the dressing besides peanut butter and Miracle Whip?"

Grandma:  "Sugar and sometimes a little milk."

Karen:  "Ok, I have the sugar in it, but it looks weird.  How much of each should I use?"

Grandma:   "Oh, a dollop of Miracle Whip and a dollop of peanut butter."

Karen:  "Oh, ok.  So...equal amounts?"

Grandma:  "Oh, no!"

Karen:  "Ok, so how much?"

Grandma:  "No more than a tablespoon or so of peanut butter and about a half cup or more of Miracle Whip."

You can see where the confusion comes in. 

The apple salad dressing was a bit wonky-looking, but it tasted fine. 

The meatloaf I baked was edible and quite tasty, yet I can't seem to get anywhere near her meatloaf.  I must make the trip to rural Avon and study the technique.  Not that it will help.  I swear she knows magic or spells or has a secret ingredient she slips in when no one is looking.  I suppose it could be the 70 plus years of experience she has.  My paltry 20 years of cooking experience pales against her skill.

And don't get me started on her coleslaw.  Epic, I tell you!

Farm Life (1 of many)

Growing up on a farm provides ample opportunity for strange experiences. 

I have helped butcher chickens.  I chased them down after they stopped flopping.
I have helped sort and move cattle.  They stop if you scream in terror, but then they start running again.
I remember one time, my dad dangled me by my ankles over a culvert to see if it was blocked.  Good times.
I have baled hay.  It is amongst the dirtiest most uncomfortable hard work one can do.
I have bottle-fed baby sheep, baby cows, and baby kittens.  This isn't as fun as it sounds.
I have been bucked off a horse.  Cricket was its name.
I have killed a snake with a hoe.  Nightmares.
I can bait my own hook and take my own fish off a hook.  Cleaning them is another story.
I have caught frogs bare-handed.  They are quite slimy.
I know how to pick up a psychotic kitten without injury.  By the scruff of the neck.
I also know how to pick up a kitten and nearly lose a hand.  While kitten is distracted by a threatening dog.
I know what it feels like to be shocked by an electric fence.  It hurts and I scream.
I have broken an amniotic sac to let the calf inside breath its first breath.  It was the most disgusting thing I have ever had on my hand.
I have "preg-checked" a heifer.  Glove to the shoulder.

These are just a few of the wonderful experiences that one can have growing up on a farm.  Ask me about any of them.  I have more details on almost all of them.  Maybe I will even write about them in more detail, but you get the general idea of the craziness that is everyday farm life.

Pregnancy is Soooooo Weird

As I have mentioned in my title, pregnancy is so weird.  First of all, the fact that you can't tell for quite some time that you are pregnant has always seemed crazy to me.  It's my body.  I live in it.  I should be able to tell when there is a new resident. 

I had no real idea that I was pregnant until that little plus mark appeared before my very eyes.  I had no morning sickness and my boobs usually got tender around that "time of the month." 

**Disclaimer:  If you are not comfortable with boob talk, you should just leave this blog now.  It is only the beginning.

Since I have the disclaimer out of the way, the second weird thing I have noticed about pregnancy is all of the changes that happen to the pregnant body.  Like, immediately.  I was aware that there were a lot of major changes heading my way when that plus sign flashed onto the pee-stick.  Heck, some had snuck in on me under the disguise of PMS.  I was not aware how many crazy things would be kick-started by the tidal wave of hormones flooding my system.

You may have noticed that there have not been many blog posts for quite some time.  Yeah.  It seems you need to be awake to type.  Weird.  Also, I actually do put some thought into these silly posts.  Again, thinking (logically) requires one to be awake. 

I find myself in the relatively blissful second trimester.  Apparently, this is the "good" trimester.  You know, the one in which I won't be too tired.  The one in which I won't feel nauseous.  The one in which I will have a tiny amount of extra energy with which I will apparently clean, knit booties, and shop for tiny clothes.  Oh, and BIG clothes.

I have officially declared that my pants no longer fit.  The public announcement that my bras no longer fit was lost in the haze of the first trimester.  The second announcement that my bras no longer fit was also lost in that same haze.  Yes, folks, that's right.  I no longer have the boobs of an Olsen twin.  I never really thought I would have bigger jugs.  I never really wanted them.  I now have them.  I now want them to go the hell away.  And here's where the sharing will go over the top for some.  I really hate that I have "underboob" now.  I also hate that even my new "C" cup seems restricting and binding.  I refuse to even attempt to fill a "D."  Ok, that wasn't too horrible.  Trust me, I've read other's blogs.  That was nothing.

Accurate representation of how I feel.

I will say I have been lucky.  I haven't had any morning sickness to speak of.  I haven't had any since I switched from the prenatal vitamins to the chewable children's gummi vitamins.  (By the way, those gummi vitamins are fricking delicious.)  I have only gained about 6 pounds...so far. 

I haven't been especially hungry.  I can't say I've turned down many meals.  I really haven't had any strange cravings.  I eat weird stuff on a normal, non-pregnant day.

We find out what the little sucker is on March 5th. 

We haven't settled on any names.  Feel free to make suggestions.  I will feel free to ignore those suggestions and laugh in your face.

If you are reading this, I probably wouldn't have a problem with you checking out the bump.  By the way, it is starting to be a bump.  But, can you have everyone else in the world keep from molesting my belly for the next 5 months.

Other random weird pregnancy things in list form

doula
trans-vaginal sonogram
natural birth


...And those are just the ones that I am not ashamed to write out for you.