Serious Relationships - Part IV

If you haven't read Serious Relationships - Parts I-III, you may be a bit behind.  In those segments, we met and got to know my Hetero-Lifemate, Leslie.

We also learned that I have a husband.  And, he is nice.

I kinda like his face.  He seems to like mine back.  It is convenient like that.

We owe our entire Serious Relationship to Liz.  I think we still owe her a pizza or something. And Gill Street Pub (or Bar or whatever).  That is where it all started.

Without Liz's intervention, I would never have even considered Joe for a date let alone a marriage.  This is what he looked like the night we met.

                                                                  


I thought he was about 19.  I was 25 at the time.  So, when Liz told me I should go talk to him at the after-party, I thought she was a bit more insane than she usually is.

"How old is he?"  I exclaimed.
"He's our age," she replied.
"Ok."
I am obviously a hard sell.

Our First Date was two weeks later.  We ate at T.G.I. Friday's.  We had hot wings even though Leslie told me not to order them.  I dropped one into my lap immediately.  He pretended not to notice. 

Then we went to a Riverman game.  One highlight of the evening was the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders kicking in semi-unison about six times.  I was hoping one would slip on the ice.  I have mentioned that I have an evil sense of humor, right?  The other highlight of the evening were several drunk 21 year-olds with foul mouths.  They nearly ended up in a fight with the parents of the small children that were within hearing distance.  I don't remember any actual hockey.  Probably because hockey sucks.  Go, Pack, Go!


After that we headed to a bar for a couple drinks and a bit of darts.  Joe assured me he wasn't very good.  After soundly whooping my ass at Cricket, he said he'd only been in the dart league for about a year.  

                                                               Darts is a serious sport.

Bonus Points were awarded to Joe for ignoring my clumsy hot wing handling, purchasing lower bowl tickets, and knowing what Cricket was without an explanation.

I think I impressed him by fixing my headlight with a solid smack on its housing in the parking lot at the bar, laughing at the cheerleaders, and knowing what Cricket was without an explanation.

Kitchen Success! The Earthburger

Stuff What You'll Need to Make 'Em...

Portabella Mushroom caps (1 per burger)
1/3 lb ground beef per burger
1-2 slices bacon per burger
Queso Fresco (white cheese)
Soy sauce
Worcestershire sauce
oil
Liquid Smoke
salt
pepper
buns

Clean mushrooms and remove stems.
Marinate by splooshing some Soy sauce and Worcestershire sauce on each cap.  I just did this before I made the patties and all the rest.  (10-15 minutes)  Right before slapping them in the oil, I sliced these bad boys about 1/4" and tossed em in the drippy marinade.

Put just enough Oil in pan to cover the bottom for sauteing the shrooms. (1 Tbsp.)   I splooshed a bit of liquid smoke into the oil.  (1 tsp. or less)

Make 1/3 pound burgers.  I always salt and pepper my burgers.

Start to cook them.

When you flip them start sauteing the shrooms and frying your bacon.  Make that stuff crispy!  The bacon.  Not the shrooms...

I made the burgers and the bacon together in my fancy cast iron grill pan.  I would usually grill the burgers and possibly the shrooms on the charcoal Weber, but it is still over 95 degrees in the shade today.

Just before yanking the burgers off the grill (pan) I slapped a goodish amount of Queso Fresco on them.  Mmm, cheese...

Then I stacked the bacon and mushrooms on top.

Joe and I decided to taste them before adding condiments.  We always use condiments on our burgers.  However, these were too good to ruin with any sort of sauce. 

I would post pictures, but we eated them all up.

Next time...

Serious Relationships - Part III

Let's review.

We have learned in Serious Relationships - Part I and Serious Relationships - Part II that I have a husband.  He is nice.  Here he is again.

We also have learned that I have a Hetero-Lifemate.  Leslie.

I credit her for teaching me how to be in a Serious Relationship.  Before we lived together, I was pretty ruthless with my dating standards.

Now, I'm not saying I was dumping amazing guys.  I wasn't.  I was giving up pretty easily at the first sign of anything that might annoy me.

Leslie and I were good at annoying each other.  I don't think that anyone who has a roommate can honestly say that they have never been pissed off at said roomie.  Usually, dealing with the issue is easier than breaking a lease.

I can't remember any epic fights.  That is not in my passive-aggressive nature.  I can however list a few minor incidents that allegedly occurred while we were roommates.

I may or may not have seen and ignored a giant moth flying in Leslie's room at bedtime that later attacked her face in the middle of the night.  Have I mentioned that she dislikes moths.

I may or may not have bailed on her with a boy she was interested in at the time.  In my defense, she had not shared that she was interested.  Also, I was not interested in him, we just got carried away at a party and did not join her as we were supposed to do.   She was not amused at the ridiculous state we were in.

She may or may not have bit my calf after drinking Mass Quantities of delicious wine in an All-Out Roommate Wrestling Rumble.   This bruise may or may not have been the worst and longest lasting bruise I have had yet to date.

I may or may not have teased her incessantly about her one-time seizure.  By the way, she totally got over this. ...  Eventually.  Ask her about the college paper she wrote about the experience. 

We weren't always besties in the early days.  We did figure it out in fine fashion.

I realized by living with Leslie for three years that you can get mad at someone and still be friends with them and still love them the next day.  That was a big "A-ha!" moment for me.

I am sure at some point I would have figured this out by dating, but if I hadn't figured it out with Leslie when I did I may not have given this guy a proper chance.

So, Leslie, it is all your fault that I am married!

Also, thank you for being my Hetero-Lifemate.  I always have a blast when we are together.  I love that you get my sense of humor and accept me and my robot ways. 

Also, I miss your face.  I still have a spare room that is yours whenever you want to come be my maid for the amazing salary of $5/week.

Serious Relationships - Part II

So, to recap.  I have a husband.  He's nice.  More about him later.

We are still learning about Leslie.

We refer to each other as Hetero-Lifemates.  If you are familiar with Jay and Silent Bob then this isn't the first time you have heard this reference.  If you are not familiar with Jay and Silent Bob then you have some movies to watch.

We know Leslie loves my evil sense of humor from Serious Relationships - Part I.  It entertains her.  This is one of the main foundations of any Serious Relationship.  Entertainment.

Another key foundation that I find to be crucial to any relationship is a balanced mix of common interests and differing interests.   

You may be saying, "Hey, those are opposites, Silly!"

I respond, "Shuddup, they are what I tell you they are and you'll like it!"

Balance is the key.  "There is that better?"

Leslie and I both enjoy reading.  We do not however have a very similar palate when it comes to genre.

I read an eclectic mix of fiction and nonfiction.  Some favorites of mine include Stiff:  The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, Ender's Game, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

Leslie likes romance.

We do however unite in a common love of Harry Potter and The Hunger Games.

**Side note:  If you have not read the Hunger Games trilogy, stop whatever you are doing and read them right now.

See...

Back to the subject at hand.**

We do not agree on Twilight.  She likes Edward.  While anyone who has any sense can see that Jacob is the better choice.

See.

But, I diverge.

This shared yet completely different taste in books is mirrored in our respective movie choices.  I seek out the strange, the different, the odd.  A brief selection of my wilder favorites...

1.  Whole - A documentary on people who want to be amputees.  Fascinating and intriguing. Disturbing yet compelling.

2.  Freaks - A horror flick from the 1930's that employed actual circus freaks as their cast. I mean, come on!

3.  The Triplets of Belleville - It's French.  It's animated.  There is little to no dialogue.  I love it.

Leslie likes romance.

We again agree that Harry Potter is amazing.  We both like America's Sweethearts.   She loves the Twilight movies, and I love making fun of them.  I like zombie movies.  She physically abuses me if I make her watch anything remotely scary.  No, really.  When she gets scared she smacks my leg repeatedly.  It is painful.

Other strange mixes in our personalities and preferences that work in sometimes strange ways follow.

I enjoy being knocked down while roller skating.  Leslie enjoys watching me get knocked down while roller skating.

I enjoy cooking.  Leslie enjoys telling me to cook for her.

I enjoy drinking wine, margaritas, and whiskey.  Leslie enjoys drinking wine, margaritas, and beer.

I enjoy fishing.  Leslie enjoys parts of fishing.  She will bait her hook, but I have to deal with any actual fish that may bite said bait.  I enjoy the conversations she has with the bait while she saws it in half with an old bottle cap and threads it onto her hook.

I can sew.  Leslie likes homemade gifts.  She even liked the pillowcase I made to commemorate her seizure.  (More on that later, too.)

I have a dark sense of humor.  Leslie gets my jokes.

Serious Relationships - Part I

Serious Relationships are complicated, time-consuming, and ultimately very rewarding if you can find the right mix for the parties involved.

All through my school years, I had no serious relationships.

I was awkward.

It wasn't until after college that I stumbled into my first one, and it isn't what your thinking.

I think everyone knows what a husband is. 

I have one.  He's nice.  More on him some other day. 

The first serious relationship I found myself in was with my then roommate, Leslie.

We met when I moved to Pekin to start working at the local multi-plex.  She was a box office cashier and I was the new manager.  I didn't know anyone in town and the first few weeks were pretty quiet.

One night I was at home in my little house finishing the unpacking when the phone rang.  Someone asked if they had reached Karen Shlammalslddkjf.  I was used to having my last name butchered.  At that time, my last name was Schmalshof (pronounced small-soff).  I assumed it was a telemarketer and promptly hung up.  A minute or two later the phone rang again and I could hear chuckling and goofing off in the background, but no one was talking to me.  I assumed it was a prank call and hung up.

It was Leslie and a few of her friends being dorks or jerks or just killing time.

There isn't much to do in Pekin.

I wasn't too long after the prank call that we started hanging out.

About a year after I started working there, Leslie's mom, Kathy, decided she wanted to be a landlord.  Leslie and I helped her find a house we could move in to along with two other employees of the theater.

We lived there for about three years with several different roommates.

Not everyone who lives together for three years become hetero-lifemates.  Sometimes living together is the quickest way to end a serious relationship. 

I find that the most important foundation in any Serious Relationship is entertainment.  If your significant other does not entertain you, your union is doomed.  Leslie and I definitely entertain each other.  Sometimes in very strange ways.

While we were both still working at the theater, I masterminded an elaborate practical joke on Leslie.

There isn't much to do in Pekin.

A few of our friends that worked at the theater and I worked out all the details one slow Sunday evening.  It was something to pass the time.

We were going to tell her that Orlando Bloom was doing a press tour later that summer and that one of the stops was in Peoria.  In addition, we were going to tell her that his cousin was in the Army with my high school friend and had found out that I lived near Peoria.  Finally, we were going to tell her that Orlando did not like hotels and that he was going to stay with me overnight.



This story had lots of holes and we were just killing time at work.  I wasn't going to start the joke.  Mostly because I can't keep a straight face very well.  I didn't think anyone else was going to start the joke, either.

I was wrong.

That evening we were having drinks after work.  I had to close.  When I got to the party, Leslie had been told the story.  She was skeptical.  I clinched it by telling her I had just gotten word that Orlando would be staying for two nights and not just one like I had originally been told.

She was thrilled and started telling everyone she knew that she was going to meet Orlando Bloom.  It was an epic joke.  We let it go for over a month.  Maybe two.  Finally, one of my co-conspirators cracked while drinking.

We drank a lot back then.

We still have our moments.

Leslie was not amused.

At first.

Ok, she is still not amused, but she still loves me and my evil sense of humor.